My Downfall..My struggle with my destructive self...!
When I left India, the comfort of my home and the great support of my friends three months after my mom passed away I was filled with a positive outlook towards life...I was determined to make my mom`s dream about me to become more responsible and a dutiful wife true.
It was only when I landed in the gloomy wet Dublin airport I started getting cold feet and the fact that I don't belong in this cold, lifeless city...that is what I thought of Dublin in the one and a half years that I spent here...away from my friends and family. Arriving at our supposedly lover`s pad in the heart of the city felt like a Life Time sentence to me. The positivity and zest for life I had while I was in the flight to Dublin was slowly turning into depression and hatred for the city and everything around me.
When I left India, the comfort of my home and the great support of my friends three months after my mom passed away I was filled with a positive outlook towards life...I was determined to make my mom`s dream about me to become more responsible and a dutiful wife true.
It was only when I landed in the gloomy wet Dublin airport I started getting cold feet and the fact that I don't belong in this cold, lifeless city...that is what I thought of Dublin in the one and a half years that I spent here...away from my friends and family. Arriving at our supposedly lover`s pad in the heart of the city felt like a Life Time sentence to me. The positivity and zest for life I had while I was in the flight to Dublin was slowly turning into depression and hatred for the city and everything around me.
I missed the warmth of my family and friends and there were days when I used to cry for no reason for hours on end...I would hate my life as a woman which meant not having your own dreams and just following someone else`s dream...that someone else had become my husband...In a month he had become the villain of my life who separated me with my family,friends and a career as a nursery teacher which I loved so much!!! When he would come back after ten hours of absence from his work at midnight...i would just cringe under my quilt and pretending to be sleeping or having a bad headache so that I don't have to open my eyes and face the reality!!!
Slowly the stress and depression of being a nobody got the best of me and I started thinking probably destiny has some other plans for me...The signs of this showed on my face too as acne took over my face and i would wait for it to get dark outside so that I can go for for my grocery shopping...I would try and smile more so that the ugly face would hide behind my smile...but it did`nt hehehe!
Slowly the stress and depression of being a nobody got the best of me and I started thinking probably destiny has some other plans for me...The signs of this showed on my face too as acne took over my face and i would wait for it to get dark outside so that I can go for for my grocery shopping...I would try and smile more so that the ugly face would hide behind my smile...but it did`nt hehehe!
My married life detiorated as I used to be in bed all day munching and chatting meaninglessly on yahoo with strangers with whom I wont even talk the next day...and pretended to be asleep as soon as my hubby came home...As dreaded he started noticing and that led to endless arguments and fights.
Empty mind is a devil`s paradise!!!
Somehow the idea of living didn't appeal to me that much in that point in my life...I started checking out the google for ways to commit suicide (The power of google was overwhelming) ;-P...All I wanted was to reunite with mom and have the comfortable life again with her which she gave me for 28 years...
After a week of googling and convincing myself that this is what I'm supposed to do I decided to break the news to my family as i didn't wanted to go before saying a Good Bye!!! I didn't wanted them to have unanswered questions for the rest of their lives and the thought that what they would have done better to avoid this.
My husband`s instant reaction was that u need a shrink...my sister wanted me to come back to India...All said and done I continued googling my way to committing suicide...and one day I came across something that completely changed my thought process told you the power of google :-D..
The Afterlife!!!
While browsing one lazy evening it suddenly strike me what would happen to me after I die...What if i cud`nt find mom and be stranded all alone...believe me even the thought of that gave me goosebumps... :-(
After a whole evening of reading about afterlife this is what i decided to write down in my diary..:
"When you commit suicide, you fail to complete your obligations not only to yourself, but to the rest of the universe with which you`ve made a pact. Your responsibilities and obligations get shifted to someone/something else and you are left with a spiritual debt. some call this "KARMA".
Until your debt is paid and you accomplish fully that which you agreed to do before incarnation, you will be unable to re incarnate because you will be unable to break the bond that ties you to this reality."
These lines made me think if it is a good idea to venture out alone in the unknown...atleast here I know what my not so perfect life holds for me...So i decided to make my not so perfect life "Perfect for me"!!!...
The opening lines of my new found Script for life is:
"If you are suffering so much you`d consider killing yourself it`s a sign you are doing something really wrong.."
My husband`s instant reaction was that u need a shrink...my sister wanted me to come back to India...All said and done I continued googling my way to committing suicide...and one day I came across something that completely changed my thought process told you the power of google :-D..
The Afterlife!!!
While browsing one lazy evening it suddenly strike me what would happen to me after I die...What if i cud`nt find mom and be stranded all alone...believe me even the thought of that gave me goosebumps... :-(
After a whole evening of reading about afterlife this is what i decided to write down in my diary..:
"When you commit suicide, you fail to complete your obligations not only to yourself, but to the rest of the universe with which you`ve made a pact. Your responsibilities and obligations get shifted to someone/something else and you are left with a spiritual debt. some call this "KARMA".
Until your debt is paid and you accomplish fully that which you agreed to do before incarnation, you will be unable to re incarnate because you will be unable to break the bond that ties you to this reality."
These lines made me think if it is a good idea to venture out alone in the unknown...atleast here I know what my not so perfect life holds for me...So i decided to make my not so perfect life "Perfect for me"!!!...
The opening lines of my new found Script for life is:
"If you are suffering so much you`d consider killing yourself it`s a sign you are doing something really wrong.."
Coming up...."My Action Plan".
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