Mission Cindrella

Now for those who are thinking what about my other things in the Things to do list...I would like to share that I did visit a doctor for my acne which has started clearing up.

For years I have been happy with my weight in spite of the fact that I am way over my ideal weight. It was only when clothes I liked didn't come in my size I thought to myself I should do something about my weight but the thought always lasted as long as i didn't enter KFC and ordered a big burger, fries and coke...How could anyone in their sane mind resist such yummy food... or else I would say to myself what the hell! let me eat what I want today and will start dieting from tomorrow..and I would relish my greasy food with utmost satisfaction thinking it would be my last...but The Tomorrow never came. Now that I'm close to my big 30 I am really determined to loose weight in a healthy way that is and for that I follow http://fatchicgoesslim.blogspot.com/ Its a wonderful blog by a friend who lost oodles of weight by simple techniques which she learnt from her own failures and wisdom that she attained from hours of Googling..hehehe!!!

One thing I learnt from her was to never follow the Fad Diets but to creat realistic goal for urself and lead a healty lifestyle....Though she doesnt have much to work with in my case still I have now appointed her as my Fairy God Mother to create a Cindrella out of me...I know even a real Fairy God Mother would have a hard time on this one..hehehe!! but I have full faith in my own Fairy God Mother.

Well..I did loose a kilo by just following the diet she gave me. The french fries, onion rings, canned food and frozen pizzas in my fridge has been replaced by fresh vegetables, fruits and homemade meals. I still have not joined a gym. My favorite exercise still is lying on my bed the whole day when I'm not working and watching TV or being on net sans the bag of crisps... that is the only difference now.

Good start I guess!!

The Action Plan

Now that the idea of committing suicide proved to be futile...I decided to take charge of the situation and make an Action plan.

The first thing I did was to analyse my life and its miseries and find out what is it that is making my life so miserable...well no prize of guessing here...in a blink came the answer its ME !!!!

Never in a thousand years would I have thought that it was ME and ME alone who has brought all this to myself...I was blinded by the thought that it was my husband who wanted to chase his dreams and he forgot all about mine...or perhaps he didn't care !!
Sometimes i would even blame my mom for dying...All I did was blame others for my miseries.

Anyways now that the answer was clear...the next thing I did was to make a list of things that I needed to do...here again my dear friend Google helped me find some motivational quotes and poems.

With this poem I started my journey towards Self Discovery...

If you want to be strong,
you must bear burdens.

If you want to be humble,
you must be humiliated.

If you want to be patient,
you must wait for that which you desire.

If you want to be merciful,
you must find no mercy for yourself.

With this poem beautifully written in red in my diary I went on to create a list of things I needed to do to get my life in order...here I'm writing the exact words I have written in my diary...

Start a new life..!! Get over depression..!!
Mom is not there anymore, but still she is with me always. She is waiting for me in the after life....but first I have to fulfil God`s Plan for me...

Things to do:
1. Get treated for acne.
2. Join Gym.
3. Go out often.
4. Indulge yourself in activities.
5. Get a job.

To my surprise..just when I took charge and asked the universe to give me another chance at life...( The law of Attraction..."the secret") http://www.thesecret.tv/... Boom out of nowhere came a job offer to work as a Beauty Therapist...Here I would like to add that the last time I pampered myself in a beauty saloon was my Pre Bridal beauty treatment...he he he...I'm among those women if there are any...who go to beauty saloons only when emergency strikes...

It scared me to death as I had no interest in the beauty Industry what so ever...I was not even interested in making myself beautiful leave alone others...Well..it was a tough call and I decided to take up the challenge and went to the interview. I was appointed as a trainee and after two months of vigorous training here I am....MY FIRST DAY AT WORK....AS A BEAUTY THERAPIST....sounds fancy is int it...hehehe!!

Life is not so bad after all...!

Suddenly the gloomy, wet Dublin seemed like an Unexplored Paradise.
My not so perfect world is on the road to becoming Perfect for me... :-D

The law of "Karma".

.

My Downfall..My struggle with my destructive self...!

When I left India, the comfort of my home and the great support of my friends three months after my mom passed away I was filled with a positive outlook towards life...I was determined to make my mom`s dream about me to become more responsible and a dutiful wife true.

It was only when I landed in the gloomy wet Dublin airport I started getting cold feet and the fact that I don't belong in this cold, lifeless city...that is what I thought of Dublin in the one and a half years that I spent here...away from my friends and family. Arriving at our supposedly lover`s pad in the heart of the city felt like a Life Time sentence to me. The positivity and zest for life I had while I was in the flight to Dublin was slowly turning into depression and hatred for the city and everything around me.

I missed the warmth of my family and friends and there were days when I used to cry for no reason for hours on end...I would hate my life as a woman which meant not having your own dreams and just following someone else`s dream...that someone else had become my husband...In a month he had become the villain of my life who separated me with my family,friends and a career as a nursery teacher which I loved so much!!! When he would come back after ten hours of absence from his work at midnight...i would just cringe under my quilt and pretending to be sleeping or having a bad headache so that I don't have to open my eyes and face the reality!!!

Slowly the stress and depression of being a nobody got the best of me and I started thinking probably destiny has some other plans for me...The signs of this showed on my face too as acne took over my face and i would wait for it to get dark outside so that I can go for for my grocery shopping...I would try and smile more so that the ugly face would hide behind my smile...but it did`nt hehehe!

My married life detiorated as I used to be in bed all day munching and chatting meaninglessly on yahoo with strangers with whom I wont even talk the next day...and pretended to be asleep as soon as my hubby came home...As dreaded he started noticing and that led to endless arguments and fights.

Empty mind is a devil`s paradise!!!

Somehow the idea of living didn't appeal to me that much in that point in my life...I started checking out the google for ways to commit suicide (The power of google was overwhelming) ;-P...All I wanted was to reunite with mom and have the comfortable life again with her which she gave me for 28 years...

After a week of googling and convincing myself that this is what I'm supposed to do I decided to break the news to my family as i didn't wanted to go before saying a Good Bye!!! I didn't wanted them to have unanswered questions for the rest of their lives and the thought that what they would have done better to avoid this.

My husband`s instant reaction was that u need a shrink...my sister wanted me to come back to India...All said and done I continued googling my way to committing suicide...and one day I came across something that completely changed my thought process told you the power of google :-D..

The Afterlife!!!

While browsing one lazy evening it suddenly strike me what would happen to me after I die...What if i cud`nt find mom and be stranded all alone...believe me even the thought of that gave me goosebumps... :-(

After a whole evening of reading about afterlife this is what i decided to write down in my diary..:

"When you commit suicide, you fail to complete your obligations not only to yourself, but to the rest of the universe with which you`ve made a pact. Your responsibilities and obligations get shifted to someone/something else and you are left with a spiritual debt. some call this "KARMA".

Until your debt is paid and you accomplish fully that which you agreed to do before incarnation, you will be unable to re incarnate because you will be unable to break the bond that ties you to this reality."

These lines made me think if it is a good idea to venture out alone in the unknown...atleast here I know what my not so perfect life holds for me...So i decided to make my not so perfect life "Perfect for me"!!!...

The opening lines of my new found Script for life is:

"If you are suffering so much you`d consider killing yourself it`s a sign you are doing something really wrong.."

Coming up...."My Action Plan".

I LOST MY ANGEL....

The turning point in my life..."I lost my angel"

I always felt blessed to have wonderful parents a loving elder sister great friends and a loving husband...but when my mom passed away last year in September my whole world shattered...I had lost the support system of my life.

She is the best ( I still can not refer to her in past tense)...more than a mom she was a friend. We treated her like of of the girls in our group...She was this chirpy nd bubbly woman who would love to sit wid me and my friends nd laugh at the gossip we had to share with each other...hehehe!!! I would alwayz scream at her to leave me nd my friends alone...she would and in no time she would be back to listen to our boyz talk... ;-)...nd then she would seem like one of the friends and we would continue with our talks...while she would be feeding us to death. lolz..!

My friends envied me as I had the coolest mom around...I still remember how she would smell of in winters...as I would often snuggle inside her shawl wen I would be cold...She would smell of roasted nuts particularly peanuts...coz on her way back home from the office she would alwayz had a pack of roasted peanuts inside her shawl for munching...When I started sleeping alone there were be nights when I felt this strange fear and I would go up to her room to sleep with her...widout her noticing I would get under her quilt and put my arms around her nd sleep while smelling the aroma of spices that came from her clothes from the dinner she cooked earlier that night...and in the morning she would be gone long before i would even wake up... :-)

Then tragedy struck and one day all of a sudden she was gone...even on her death bed she was thinking of me...and told my husband to go and check on me...She walked on her own to the doctor`s chamber not knowing that she wud never be able to walk out of the hospital on her feet...I carried her lifeless body all the way back home in the ambulance that was supposed to drop her home..."The home" that was the labour of her sweat nd love...she alwayz said "I want to die in my house". She lived in her house of her dreams for three years.

The whole family was devastated specially my elder sister...it took her a long time to come back to her senses...I was left all alone to take care of the people who would come to give condolence to us...I was the one talking to them and showing hospitality...di was still greiving and it started worrying me...everytime I would talk to her about mom she would start crying I turned up to my husband for support and everytime I would cry in front of him he would ask me to get strong as he had to leave India soon to come back to Dublin and he wanted me to get strong quickly I niether had time nor a companion to share my grief...!

I would like to share the poem that I got printed on her memorial card:

You can shed tears that she is gone,

Or you can Smile because she has lived.

Your heart can be empty because you cant see her,

Or you can be full of love that you shared wid her.

You can turn your back on tommorow and live yesterday,

Or you can be happy for tommorow because of yesterday.

U can remember her and only that she has gone,

Or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.

You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back,

Or u can do what she wants,

Smile,Open your eyes,,Love and go on...................!

One month passed my husband went back...and me and my sister were left to take care of mom`s house and most importantly dad. I found solace in thinking that she is in a better place now away from worries and responsibilities her absence made all of us grow up overnight. I started spending a lot of time with my friends and concentrated on being happy. With them around I would forget all about my grief ..it was only when I would come back home that the reality would hit me...that "My angel is gone"....!

The Beginning....

Hi friends...Well i really didnt know what to write as i have never been good with words...so the lines of a famous boy band hit no."words and words are all i have to take ur heart away" never applied to me...so this is my first attempt at expressing my self through words...i knw its gonna be a struggle...spell checking each line...nd wondering if i got the grammer right...hehehe!!!
The idea of blogging came when i was complaining to one of my frnd(Sheetal) that how boring life as a housewife living in a stranger land is...with no one around to talk to in your own language and the food sucked ;-P...she suggested me to write my own blog to kill time. it was not as if the term "blog" was alien to me...but i wondered how and where to start. :-D Then tonite i read a blog created by my frnd who is fondly called Tammu by us. it was so inspiring nd it had a link to create a blog for free...so here i m after creating one for myself.